4 Months Later, Brother

4 months ago this morning, I got the call from MA that brought me to me knees. A lot has happened in 4 months. I feel like I've grown so much in these 4 months. I think you would be proud of me. Losing you, was a milestone in my life. I feel like I have matured more in the past 4 months than I have in years. I am by no means at 25 the same person I was at 23. I'm really beginning to grasp what life without you is like and accept it. I love and miss you, brother.

A Question Answered, Brother

A few weeks ago, I wondered who of the those of us that were the closest to you would be the first to change our profile pic on fb to one that didn't have you in it. Today, I have my answer. It was me. I felt at peace with changing my pic to one of just me. I still miss you, brother. And I will always love you. But as the 4 month anniversary of your homecoming arrives later this week, I will have a different profile pic.

Sweet Pancake Memories

Walking through walmart yesterday, I saw I bottle of bisquik shake and pour pancakes. I laughed and thought of you. "She bought the shake and pour pancakes...I can't teach her to make pancakes with THAT" I love you, brother.

The Phrase That Strikes Fear In My Heart

Brother, I didn't realize how much fear the phrase "colon cancer" puts in my heart. That simple phrase strikes so much fear in my heart. I know the cancer ultimately wasn't what took you from me. I know that it was the blood clot caused by your pic line that ultimately took you from me. Yet, the phrase "colon cancer" now terrifies me. My stepmother is currently undergoing tests for colon cancer and it scares me. I saw the pain that the disease caused you and I don't want her to go through that too. I didn't realize how scared I was of that phrase until I heard the words come out of my dad's mouth yesterday. I miss you. This would be easier to walk through if you were holding my hand but I rejoice that you are worshiping at the feet of our sweet Jesus.

Tears

I think I could cry myself to sleep for the first time since the initial days after you passed away, brother. Life would be a lot easier with you here. I miss you so much.

I Wonder

Its been 3 months since you left us. I wonder when the 3 of us that were so close to you will find it appropriate to change our facebook profile picture to a pic that doesnt have you in it.

State Evangelism Conference

Well, first conference/convention without you, brother. Three musketeers made it through it with minimal crying. SA and MA came back for it. It was the last time we will sing as a choir under his leadership. God has big plans for them in ATL. Can't wait to see how he uses them at FBCJ. We missed you tonight, brother. But we made it through it. Love you.

To The One Who Got Away

I liked it better when you weren't on facebook so much. It hurt my heart less. I loved, love, and will always love you(well at least a part of me). I am glad to see you making all your dreams come true, even if it isn't with me by your side.

Here It Is

Here is the page I wrote for my big brother for SA's memory book. I was finally able to write it with minimal crying.

SA,
JB admired you so much. He loved singing in the choir and came, many times, when his body was telling him he shouldnt. You encouraged him so much. I remember when the choir went to sing outside Mickey's house. Jeff wasn't feeling well at all that day. But he came anyway. He gave himself his medicine through his pic line on the drive to the church and was able to gather enough strength to sing. He enjoyed that bus ride. I think he felt like it gave him a chance to get to know you better. Thank you so much for being an awesome encourager and leader to him. The week he was in the hospital, he was so saddened to realize that he was not going to be able to sing in the Christmas program. He kept making sure to remind me to tell you how sorry he was. Again, thank you so much for being such an encourager to him. You meant more to him than you will ever know.

This Is Harder Than I Thought

Writing your page for SA's memory book is really hard. Every time I try to write it, I cry. I am beginning to sound like a broken record. I miss you soo much. This wasn't the plan for our lives, big brother. I have to write your page today so I will just have to "grin and bare it". I promise to make it as eloquent as possible.

2 Months Later, Brother

Two months after our Lord called you home to be with him, I'm sitting here trying to find the words to write for your page in SA's memory book. SA and his family are leaving HSBC and going to serve on staff at a church in GA. The choir is putting together a memory book and you get a page. This is not easy. Should I tell him how much you respected him? Should I tell him how much you enjoyed singing in the choir under his leadership? Should I tell him how sad you were that you weren't going to get to sing in the Christmas program because of the infection that was wreaking havoc on your body the weeks before you passed? Should I tell him, how eternally grateful I am to him for welcoming you into the choir and thereby giving us the opportunity to reconnect and thereby giving me those precious 4 months with you? What should I tell him?

Give Me Jesus

In the morning when I rise

In the morning when I rise

Oh in the morning when I rise

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

Just give me Jesus

When I am alone

When I am alone

Oh when I am alone

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

Just give me Jesus

When I come to die

When I come to die

Oh when I come to die

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

Just give me Jesus

Such a beautiful song. I played this song over and over in the days leading up to JBs funeral. This song will probably always remind me of him. In those days, I just focused on the last verse. As I sat in the hospital with JB the week before his death, all he wanted was his Jesus. Nothing else mattered to him but his Jesus. Jesus was everything to him. But now almost two months later I can see that this song is a great testimony of JBs life. When he woke in the morning, he wanted his Jesus. When he was alone, and he was a lot, he wanted his Jesus. JB was very private about his illness. He didn't want to burden anyone. This attitude left him alone, by his own choosing, a lot. He chose not to lean on the comfort of friends but on his sweet Jesus. And finally, when God home, and delivered him from the pain that cancer held on his body, he wanted his Jesus. Oh I pray, that our Savior is gracious enough to allow me to develop that kind of relationship with Him.

Grace, Grace, God's Grace

"Grace, Grace God's grace

Grace that will pardon and cleanse within

Grace Grace God's grace

Grace that is greater than all our sin"

On the first Sunday of the new year, my pastor began a year long sermon series on GRACE. Yes that's right, we are spending a year, as a church, on GRACE! Such an amazing concept. A concept, that unfortunately has been lost in many churches these days. On that first Sunday, my pastor said something so simple yet so profound. He said "Grace is not an action, a verb, or, a thing to be grasped. Grace is a person. To know grace, you must know the person of Jesus Christ." Chew on that for a moment. I think its easy for us to separate grace and the messiah. We want one without the other. So many times, we come wanting Grace but not wanting the Savior. Grace is the Savior. You cannot know Grace without knowing the Savior. I'm looking forward to a year spent on Grace. I believe it will be a time of immense growth for our church family. Even the worship will be centered on Grace. I'm looking forward to leading our time of worship with Grace center songs with my fellow choir members. Today for the special we sang "Jesus Saves" this is one of my favorite songs and so I leave you with the lyrics.

Hear the heart of heaven beating, "Jesus saves Jesus saves"

And the hush of mercy breathing, "Jesus saves Jesus saves"

Hear the host of angels sing, "glory to the newborn king"

And the sound of joy repeating, "Jesus saves"

See the humblest hearts adore him. "Jesus saves Jesus saves"

And the wisest bow before him. "Jesus saves Jesus saves"

See the sky alive with praise, melting darkness in its place

There is life forevermore. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

He will live our sorrow sharing. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

He will die our burden bearing. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

"It is done" will shout the cross "Christ has paid redemption's cost"

While the empty tomb's declaring, "Jesus saves."

Freedom's calling, chains are falling, hope is dawning bright and true.

Day is breaking, night is quaking, God is making all things new.

Oh to grace, how great a debtor. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

All the saints will shout together. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

Rising up so vast and strong. Lifting up salvation's song.

The redeemed will sing forever. "Jesus saves. Jesus saves"

Snow And A National Championship Title

Sunday afternoon a winter storm hit my city. It was beautiful but a bit nasty. Pretty much everything in the entire city was closed down. Thats what happens when you live in the South. So since class was cancelled I stayed in my orange and blue flannel pj pants and BCS National Championship tee all day. I was able to watch several pregame shows and then my lazy day culminated in snuggling up with my Auburn snuggie and watching Auburn win the national championship!!!! The roads seem to be clearing up and hopefully class will resume tomorrow. I will be proudly wearing my Auburn polo if we do. Finally, I must end by saying "Its great to be an Auburn tiger"

First Choir Practice Of The Year

Tonight we resume church choir practice after several weeks off. We have been off since the week of the Christmas program. The week that saw my brother and another choir member pass away. I'm looking forward to walking into the choir suite and seeing everyone and reading over the new music. But a part of me can't help but be a little emotional. You won't be joining us, brother and that is a painful reality to accept. I know some people are absolutely tired of me bringing up the firsts but i'm dealing with my grief as best I can. I'm taking it day by day sometimes hour by hour. I miss you. Sing a beautiful song to our Savior and King in the heavenly choir tonight. I love you, brother.